Grieving Over Relationships

What am I doing? Why do I feel sorry for myself? I don’t want this to be a time of berating myself. I really want to figure this out. Why do I feel sorry for myself? What am I feeling? What do I feel I’m missing or needing? What am I trying to accomplish by feeling sorry for myself? What is it doing for me? Why cant I stay motivated? I feel like I cant stick to a single task. I feel like other things like the kids and this custody case need attention more then I need to give myself attention. Besides, the attention Im wanting to give myself feels like it comes across as immature, needy and too introspective. I feel everywhere right now. Im stressed. I feel rushed. I just want it all to stop. I just want to be someone else at times. I don’t want the responsibilities that I have. I don’t want to be a single parent. I don’t want to have to fight my own custody battle. I don’t want to get my construction license. I don’t want to feel heart broken. I’m sick of feeling down. Ive been sick of it for so long. I wish I could kick myself in the ass to get my head out of it. Ive tried. It dosn’t work. Nothing seems to work…. I don’t seem to work…I hate this. I hate my emotions. I hate the way I view myself like this. I have confidence, deep within me…I don’t know, it feels more like stubbornness. Like half of me is being stubborn with the other half determined to show myself I’m capable, desirable. I have what seems to be conflicting emotions…agghhh, I lost track of thought. Im spent. Numb. Disconnected. This is what happens! I go in and out of thoughts, feelings and connection. Its like I stop and go, stop and go. I want to flow. I want to finish something. I don’t want to work on this custody thing. Its my PAST!!! I just want to be done with it!!! Its not helping me directly get on with life! Why in the hell am I putting time and energy into gaining custody of MY KIDS!!! They are MY KIDS!!! It should be a done deal!!! SO frickin ridiculous!!! I shouldn’t be fighting the other parent. So frickin amazing!! WHATS HER PROBLEM!!! You wanted to go so you left. You didn’t want to be married or have kids yet b/c u didn’t do what you wanted to do first so you left to try and start that. You really think I should have followed you! Incredible. And to make things worse I really believed I should’ve as well for the longest time. I WAS COMMITTED TO YOU AND THIS FAMILY!!!!! ALL I WANTED WAS COMMITMENT IN RETURN!!!! Something is wrong with me. Because I didn’t think you were perfect. You were pretty but you weren’t my dream woman. But you became that for me. I was willing to commit to you forever. But I didn’t do that for you. I wasn’t worth the commitment. So either im not worth it or you just have problems and I have problems committing myself to someone like that. Maybe you and C (Ex-girlfriend) have it right. Just cut it off. When you see it not working out don’t try to work at it if its not worth it. And don’t make it worth it to you for the sake of commitment. I’m sure you two will find what you’re looking for. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?!!! WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM ME C?? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME D (Ex-wife)?? I’m not fast enough for you? I’m not enough? All I am is potential you were hoping would manifest soon so you can reap ur benefits but it didn’t come quick enough, huh? Who are you Gary? Where are you? How long are you going to continue this? You cant keep this up, you know you cant. You are going to do something. Either figure this all out or skip out all together…naw, probably not that. Your not like that. You’re too afraid. The one thing, the ounce of self worth you do have is that you are faithful. So…you will prob keep going like this until something gives. You might snap, you seriously might snap involuntarily. You are starting to in little ways. You cant eat, sleep at times, you are becoming forgetful, snappy. You cry uncontrollably…losing train of thought again…I try hard to be empathetic and sympathetic to others, especially those close to me. Why have I been shitted on by those close to me? Why? Is it too much to ask or to want a good woman? Is it? Or no its too dependent. For some odd reason we are supposed to be independent. Independent? Why? B/c god is? If hes so independent why did he create us? Do you have the same needs as I do god? DO YOU???? WHY DON’T YOU ANSWER ME VERBALLY???? One sided communication like the rest of my relationships, thanks. I guess I’m just going to have to hope and assume you are there for me like I have to with everyone else. Or maybe I don’t need any relationships the way I’m wanting them. Maybe I don’t need you god in that way. Maybe u created me to be able to be content and happy on my own even without the ability to connect with you as I would another person? Ok fine, I haven’t figured that out yet. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m reaching for straws. I’m hoping counseling helps. I’m hoping sticking to my morals helps…morals…my morals feel more like fears. I’m afraid of receiving back any negative I would give to someone. I’m afraid of perceived consequences of certain actions. Those are my morals. If I felt like I could get away with things I would prob do them. Id go have sex right now with someone if I didn’t fear the emotional, physical, mental and karmic consequences. Id go use drugs as well. It would be so nice to alter my mood instantly right now. Id ditch the kids. Id give them to their mother and hope she will raise them safely so I could focus on me. Id get into crime, organized crime. I’m good with people, good at managing. Id def get into shape so I can use it to influence people. Seduce women, intimidate men. It would be easy. People are easy to manipulate. Smh. I would sleep with both my exes. And I would keep them as side women. They would eventually want me back b/c of how they are then who knows what I would do. Maybe ditch them at that point or keep them at the same time. Lol. Wow. Where am I going with all this. SEE, this is how my mind races. What am I doing right now? It’s the same old churning over and over. I get nowhere…I have this need to share myself. To share every thought and desire. I want to be heard. I want to be validated. I want my inner self to be validated. Hmmm. I want that from a partner. I don’t know if that is healthy or not but its what I want right now. I want to excite the other person. Am I exciting? I think I am. See this stuff doesn’t seem to be exciting to women intimately. It is to me. Am I screwed up? Or does this stuff excite me b/c I feel like I want the same attention? …I like exploring this stuff in order to grow not complain. That’s why its exciting. I don’t want to hear complaints for complaints sake. It would be very exciting to hear a woman talk about herself like this and appreciate my enthusiasm for my own reflection and inner growth.

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